Welcome to the ‘50s… and no, I’m not talking about the revival of cat’s eye sunglasses and modernized poodle skirts (even though I am thankful for it), strangely enough, I’m talking about the Olympics.

I’m sure I’m not the first to be laughing at the Protocol Manual that’s been circulating Vancouver, hopelessly attempting to educate the city on how to behave mannerly during the 2010 games. Reading it, I can’t help but picture one of those instructional videos from the fifties, where everybody is clueless and the cast consists of Little Billy and some creepy voice over. Thankfully, you don’t have to read all 137… yes, 137… pages of it. I’ve outlined the most, shall we say, interesting ones:

2.7 MEAL FUNCTION SEATING
The host would be placed at the most prominent position: either
at the centre of the table, or at the head of the table.
The most important dignitary would then be placed to the
right of the host. The next important dignitary sits on the left of
the host. The next dignitary is placed two spots to the right of
the host, the next one goes two spots to the left and so on.

So there you have it. Let your guests know how much you like them by simply sitting them at the table. Honestly, is the common Vancouverite inviting the Mayor of Barcelona over for dinner? Well, lets get down to the proper seating procedure. Does Barcelona have a well-mannered Mayor?... (I Googled, it does.)

5.0 BUSINESS ETIQUETTE
Etiquette and protocol knowledge is a form of business intel-
ligence. These ‘soft skills’ are very important in the workplace.
Many employers consider them to be some of the most impor-
tant hiring criteria. Proper etiquette is important in a social
environment, and it is crucial in a business setting. As you inter-
act with dignitaries and others when performing your duties in
Protocol, you must be able to adapt to ever-changing situations
and act with confidence, grace, courtesy and intellect.

It’s not just your boss telling you to work on your customer service, now the government is. This kind of reminds me when I used to work at Shoppers Drug Mart, and they made me use a click-counter to tally up how many customers I helped during a shift. I quit shortly after that.

5.1 WHEN MEETING A DIGNITARY
Smile and make eye contact. Avoid staring. Some cultures may
view eye contact as showing disrespect during initial greetings. Be
aware of this, and adjust your greeting accordingly.

Staring is universally creepy. We know that already.

5.5 Introducing Yourself to a Dignitary
When you meet someone you have met before, and they don’t
recognize you, help them remember you. Say something such
as “Hello [greeting], I am [first name last name] with the City of
Vancouver. We met at this conference last year.” This simple gesture
takes the pressure off the other person, who may be trying to
remember your name. It also provides a conversation starter.

…Did I mention there are 137 pages of this? Anyone important enough to be offended by stuff like this won’t be introduced to people who don’t know this crap already. If it’s your job to escort important people around, you should know this already. If you’re a Vancouver local who wants to make tourists feel comfortable and have a good time, then don’t change a thing… the city was chosen for a reason.

It’s like when you invite your rich friend over to your house. Sure, you tidy up a bit, but you’re not going to put on your Sunday best, just because it’s what they wear. You’re still in the comfort of your own home, so allow your rich friend to get a glimpse of your culture. One of the wonderful things about Vancouver is the unique atmosphere, if anything, try to keep it that way. Not to mention Vancouver already being one of the friendliest cities in the world.

What was the point of the City of Vancouver releasing this? A more interesting approach would have been to have locals dictate how the visitors should act. But very well, the Vanoc people have spoken. Thanks for letting me smile (I’ll keep it to a minimum).