elcome to Nightclub School. If this is your first visit to Nightclub School, please make sure you have all of the following: Teased hair, cigarettes, debit card, fake ID, tight shirt, padded bra (see: stuffed bra, cosmetic surgery), ball cap worn on angle, and cellular telephone. Good. If you are sitting comfortably, we shall begin.

The first lesson in Nightclub School is to get out all your bad habits before actually visiting a “Nightclub.” It is important to choose a place where you can practice, a place that will forgive your mistakes and missteps, and send you off to Granville Street when you are ready to actually go out on the town.

Nightclubbing 101 will be taught at Hell’s Kitchen in Kitsilano. It will be within the friendly confines of this pizza parlour that we will divide you into two groups, the girls and the boys, to teach you the finer points of weekend behaviour. It is in Hell’s Kitchen that you will be able to rid yourself of old habits. For the boys, we specialize in the topics of ‘brooding,’ ‘staring,’ and ‘isometric exercise’ (also known as flexing). This will be the open forum you require to get all this behaviour out of your system.

For the girls, the purging will take a different form. Our team of experts will be happy to assist you in dealing with problems relating to ‘pretentiousness,’ and ‘cattiness,’ and the every present problem of “starting pregnancy rumours.’ Consider Hell’s Kitchen the playpen you require, to eventually reflect a newer, less bitchy you.

During your lessons at Nightclub School, you’ll be stuffed full of pizza so good, you’ll forget about all the booze you’ve drank. And that pesky bylaw won’t stop you from packing the front stoop to smoke with your classmates. This is where the real learning occurs, for you’ll realize that there are others like you who don’t require a ‘job’ to drive a Mercedes either. The friends you’ll make at Nightclub School are friends for life. Just don’t talk to anyone who isn’t from Kitsilano. People from the east side are grubby.