he much adored Toronto International Film Festival is a whirlwind of 9 a.m. screenings, 3 a.m. parties, and schmoozing at every hour in between. Due to its size and scope, TIFF can be a daunting place for the uninitiated, who may think that a fresh new suit will guarantee entrance to any premiere party. The same goes for the so-called 'initiated', who see themselves so 'experienced' they can turn up to any lineup with nothing more than a smile to help them through. We've got news for you: it's not that easy. But whether it be mastering the party mentality, tackling the lineups, keeping yourself sweat-free, or just arriving at a movie premiere fully prepared, our survival guide will help keep you one step ahead this year.

Sunglasses
These won't help you with screenings, but as we all know, screenings aren't all there is to TIFF. Expensive, obnoxious and stunning to the core, grab a pair of Marc Jacobs or Oakleys and you're all set. Not only will these babies help you stave off the hangover blues, but maybe someone will think they recognize Brad Pitt under the shades. They'd be wrong, but no one has to know.

Movies: Dress comfortably, look great
If you're at one of the more coveted screenings of the fest, you've either paid an arm and a leg to get there, or you're being paid to be there. Either way, you have the disposable income to purchase some fashionable clothes. The trick is to look as though no thought has been put into your outfit, but in reality choose everything meticulously. But make sure it's sit-on-your-ass-for-hours-at-a-time appropriate.

Parties: Forget comfortable – look great!
Here's where you throw out all your pretensions and dress to the nines. Hell, this is TIFF; dress to the tens. If you want to get into that A-list Paris-Hilton's-refused-entry party, you aren't getting there in torn jeans and a shirt you found at Winners. Get out your most uncomfortable pair of heels; you'll be rewarded for it later.

Tylenol
It's day 10 and you can barely stand up, let alone drink and dance. Don't you worry, your beautiful, little white friends will take good care of you. Just make sure to practice moderation; you don't want to be mixing Tylenol, caffeine, and cosmopolitans. Trust me, it won't turn out well.

Starbucks debit card
Don't deny it… you'll be there. And just as you've waited in yet another endless line for your fancy vanilla bullshit, you reach into your pockets to find that all of your pocket change fell out at the theatre. You could chince out and settle for Tim Hortons, but you might get spotted. No, only the Green and White will do the trick. You can get your double double next week.

Washrooms (between movies)
Here you go: Avoid Starbucks washrooms (too much of a turnover – more lineups!), there are washrooms at Manulife Centre and Hazelton Lanes. But your best bet is to just take a little coffee/snack/double-martini-on-the-rocks break at one of the potentially hip eateries in the area – Sassafraz, Wish, Seven West, Holt's Café - and enjoy unlimited washroom time. Your bladder will thank you for it.

Stay at an expensive Hotel
If you’re not already confirmed, you’re out of luck—the best hotels are long since sold-out. But try. Work on your Antonio Banderas impression and try to snag his room at the Park Hyatt. Or distract the Concierge at the Hazelton, grab his key and run. It doesn't matter if you're from Toronto, you can't just stay anywhere.

Embrace your inner Slick talker
Just exactly how do you plan on going into get into the private parties thrown by magazines and corporate sponsors? Tracking down the RSVP addresses that go out with invitations won't work. Talk your way in at the door. "Honestly Mr. Bouncer, I swear I'm Tom Cruise's publicist. No, I lost all of my identification. Maybe my friend William Lyon Mackenzie King can vouch for me." I'd suggest an instructional viewing of Wedding Crashers or Glengarry Glen Ross. If that doesn't get you in, then work on your climbing skills.

Water
Yes, it comes out of the tap for free, but this is TIFF, the time to celebrate overindulgence; tap water just won't do. Even the vital liquid of life has to be deliberately chosen to wow onlookers. Ever hear of designer water? Well the celebs have. For all of Clooney's talk of saving the environment, you can bet you'll see a fancy plastic bottle sitting in his hand. Or at least in the hand of his personal assistant. Might I suggest a conspicuous bottle of Vitamin Water? That way you can get your relief while maintaining an air of healthiness. Plus it's flavoured.

Sniff out the hot ticket parties.
As we all know, TIFF boasts some of the most exclusive parties of the year. Some of the hottest celebrities roll out to the clubs for some drinking and schmoozing. If you don't want to be left behind, you'll need to know where to be and when. Luckily, we've already taken care of this one for you. You don't want to be refused entry to just any party; you want to be refused entry from the best.

Don’t linger in Yorkville.
Unless you're staying at Four Seasons, don't waste all your precious down-time in Toronto's Rodeo Drive. Yes, you may have a good chance of spotting someone famous at Sassafraz or Hemingway's, and yes, the movies are all in this four block radius, but the best premiere parties are spread all over town. Keeping stationary will just limit you. Get a good pair of walking shoes and change at the club.

Go to brunch.
Not quite breakfast, not quite lunch, but pure hangover relief. Bloor Street

I hear they show some movies at this thing, too. Who knew?

Diner has long lines for a reason: eggs, chorizo, coffee, bliss. For something a little swishier, cross the street to Holt's Café and be prepared to fork over some bills for your omelette. Still hungover? See #4.

Charge the phone!
A cell phone is an absolute essential at the Film Festival. I don't just mean any regular Fido dial-and-ring. No, you'll need something stylish, and you'll need something with a lot of features. Picture this: you're about to review a film and you forget the director's name. Don't worry, your iPhone's wifi will direct you straight to IMDB. Alternatively, you spot Russell Crow throwing a tantrum and you don't have a camera; no worries, you're Motorola Razr is fully equipped. Then sell it to the tabloids and you'll be able to buy any phone you want. It's win-win.

Portable Tooth Brush and Dental Floss
Long days, long nights, no time to make yourself presentable. If you want to sell that film script, you'd better not do it with popcorn in your gums. Whatever little chance you have to score with Anne Hathaway will fly out the window once she sees your yellow teeth (if you get anywhere near her). Do yourself a favour and arm yourself.

So there you have it, everything you need to survive the ten exhausting days that are the Toronto International Film Festival. I can't think of anything else you might need to experience the fest to its full extent.

Oh, wait…

Tickets
I hear they show some movies at this thing, too. Who knew? You may be preparing yourself for a week full of fancy club nights, but most of these are actually afterparties. If you aren't at the screening, you'll have nothing to talk about. Plus, you know, these are some of the best films in the world and seeing them would be a treat to any cinephile, but that's secondary to the partying.