The 81st Annual Academy Awards has been penciled into everyone’s calendar for months. Who could miss out on an overblown awards show that for some reason is hosted by Hugh Jackman (seriously, what’s that about?) and honors The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button’s contribution to Hollywood’s history of self-important mediocre prestige pictures. It was always bound to be an exciting night and everyone was desperate to know the outcome. So, what happened? Geez, calm down and I’ll tell you.

The big question on everyone’s mind was how Hugh Jackman would do as host given the fact that he is neither a comedian nor particularly funny. Things kicked off with Jackman doing a boring public school quality musical number that must have caused Billy Crystal to cringe. After that, he replaced the standard monologue with a tour of ass-kissery with the stars in the front row that set the tone for the rest of the night. Early on Hugh Jackman referred to this as his “first year as host.” Dear god don’t let there be more. He did enough embarrassingly pointless musical numbers for at least five years.

Penelope Cruz picked up the first major award with a Best Supporting Actress win for her wonderfully psychotic work in Vicky Christina Barcelona. It was a well-deserved win, but set the tone for a very slow evening. The decision to have a separate presentation honoring each supporting actress nominee was probably fantastic for their egos, but it was also the most tedious possible way to give out the statue. It turned every acting award into an epic ten-minute presentation that put the world to sleep.

Steve Martin and Tina Fey’s hilarious presentation on screenwriting was so inspired that it made you wish that either the two of them or anyone with a distinct comedic voice had been hired to host this year's show. Dustin Lance Black picked up his expected win for Milk and gave a tearful speech that is sure to be in inspirational Oscar montages for years to come. Simon Beaufoy snagged the Best Adapted Screenplay Oscar for Slumdog Millionaire that the Academy may as well have sent to him weeks ago.

Jennifer Anniston and Jack Black then delivered an apologetically edgy inside joke about Pixar before handing out the Oscar for Best Animated Feature to Wall-E. Wow! Who could ever possibly seen that coming? I jest of course. If Wall-E didn’t win, I would have hurt somebody. Kunio Katô then picked up the Oscar for Best Animated Short Film and dropped possibly the greatest “Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto” reference ever.

A slew of technical awards gave home audiences a chance to open a fresh bag of salty snacks and chastise each other for incorrect choices on their Oscar pool (although, given the dearth of surprises thus far, I’d imagine everyone would be tied). A few young stars who are on minute 14 of their dwindling fame introduced a montage of the finest romantic moments in movies in 2008 that just might have been the most pointless montage in the history of the Oscars. Seriously, did I need to be reminded that Twilight, Last Chance Harvey, and Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist were released in 2008. I’ve been trying really hard to forget.

Ben Stiller then introduced the Best Cinematography Oscar in an impression of Joaquin Phoenix, followed by a hilarious short film and onstage antics from Seth Rogen and James Franco. Their collective hilarity rubbed salt and vinegar into the open wound caused by host Hugh Jackman. Seriously, almost every Oscar presenter this year was funnier than Jackman. Who is that guy sleeping with and how can we stop it? I considered using this sentence as an opportunity to voice my distaste for the pointless “The Musical Is Back” musical number, but I’d rather just pretend that it didn’t happen. I think it would be best if we all did.


After that, it was time to hand out the Best Supporting Actor Oscar with another overlong presentation from former Oscar winners (we get it, the nominees are great). I probably would have fallen asleep were it not for the fact that Christopher Walken was involved. Heath Ledger won and as Sir Charles Barkley surely would have said, “Anything less would be uncivilized.” It had to happen. It was deserved. This award was followed a very impressive short by Albert Maysles introducing the nominees for Best Documentary. Bill Maher gave out the Oscar and made his requisite jokes about Religulous not being nominated before giving the statue to Man On Wire. That was arguably the best film of the year and deserved the win (see it now, god damn it!). Philippe Petit—the subject of Man On Wire—gave the most entertaining victory speech of the night when he made a coin disappear for Werner Herzog and balanced an Oscar on his chin. Maybe he should have hosted.


Quick side note: Did Jerry Lewis really win an honorary Oscar? Does this mean that the French have been right all along?

Next up were the awards for Best Score and Best Song. Given that these are traditionally the most boring awards of the night when Isaac Hayes, Robin Williams, Trey Parker and Matt Stone aren’t involved, I tuned out like the rest of the world (hey, these awards came late in a boring telecast and the irritating kids from High School: The Shitty Musical were handing out the statues. What do you expect?). Slumdog Millionaire picked up both awards, making it clear that flick would be cleaning up. Departures then won Best Foreign Film, leaving only the big four awards left to be announced.

Danny Boyle won a golden bald action figure for directing Slumdog Millionaire. That guy deserved it. The film really knocked audiences on their asses this year and he’s been one of the most underrated directors in the game since the 90s (he should of one for Trainspotting. A lot of people should have one awards for that movie). After that we got yet another overlong round of ego stroking in honor of the Best Actress Award. Kate Winslet snagged the statue, surprising no one. She was sweet and thankfully didn’t cry or say anything too crazy.

The Best Actor Award came next and I hit mute instead of listening to celebrities fawning over the nominees. Seriously, they’d better not do this again. It’s boring, epitomizes all the worst aspects of the Academy Awards, and unfairly suggests that the acting categories are more important than the rest of the awards. I’ll stop whining about that now. The whole thing is so trivial and pointless that it doesn’t even deserve to be discussed further. Sean Penn won for Milk. It was a damn good performance, but not the best of the year. Mickey Rourke should have won, but it was a political choice and his speech will be replayed many times. This is the second time that Sean Penn beat out an actor delivering a career-best performance that demanded recognition (The guy owes Bill Murray and Mickey Rourke. Big time). Penn is one of the best actors of his generation, there’s no denying that. But he has not won Oscars for his best performances.


Steven Spielberg then stepped up to the mic to hand out the Best Picture Oscar and draw the night to a merciful close. He introduced a bizarre Best Picture montage that included clips from classic Best Picture nominees. Perhaps the best part of the montage was how many of the classic films featured lost Best Picture (we’re talking at least 75%). Slumdog Millionaire picked up the Oscar, capping off a night virtually devoid of surprises with the most obvious win. Hugh Jackman then closed out the night with a final joke-free banal comment. Overall, it was a weak night at the Oscars. There were no surprises, the host was possibly the worst of all time, and all of the changes made to this year’s ceremony only served to make it feel even longer.

On the plus side most of the winners deserved their awards this year. The list of winners was actually more satisfying than the ceremony itself. If you read this article rather than sitting through that never ending broadcast you made a wise decision. I wish I’d gone your route. But fortunately the show is finally over. It’s time to stop my writing and increase my drinking. Check out the full list of winners below and let us know what you thought about this year's Oscars with some sweet, sweet comments.

Click here for more info including a complete list of winners: Well, The 2008 Oscars Happened