Unless you’re regularly surrounded by teenage girls, you’re probably wondering why everyone is making such a fuss about Twilight. Well, let me tell you (that is my job after all…I think). Twilight - the first in a series of novels by Stephenie Meyer - is about a special problem that affects all teenagers: forbidden vampire love. That’s right, it’s one of those teen fantasies that you see clogging the shelves at bookstores, but this one is a bit of a phenomena. The first novel alone has sold over 17 million copies and its internet fan community is as large and vocal as that of any Tolkien lover or Star Wars nerd.

These books are monstrous, yet chances are you haven’t heard of them (I know I sure hadn’t) and there’s good reason for that. Twilight is not Harry Potter. This is isn’t a classic children’s fantasy that is so well written that it will appeal to all audiences. No, this is a straight up teen girl fantasy that plays for a very specific crowd. It plays like gangbusters to that audience, but sadly anyone who is either over the age of 16 or has a penis will probably find themselves wondering what all the fuss is about (at least based on this first entry in the series. Perhaps the story gets more complex as the books progress. I just don’t care enough to find out).

The film stars the admittedly talented Kristen Stewart (Into The Wild, Panic Room) as Bella, a young girl who moves in with her father in a small town. Like all teen girl protagonists she’s an outsider who just can’t seem to fit in. She also becomes instantly infatuated with a mysterious classmate named Edward (Robert Pattinson) who seems as quiet and conflicted as her. Unfortunately for Bella, Edward turns out to be a vampire. But fortunately for her, he’s a kind human-loving vampire who only feasts on animals along with his family. And with that revelation comes the kind of instant and undying love that only exists in the minds of obsessive teen girls.

The main problem with the film is how pussified the vampires are. Vampires are supposed to be badass creatures of the night who constantly hunt with an undying hunger for blood. In Twilight they can walk around during the day if it’s cloudy and are far too sensitive and emo to do anything like bite open the neck of a helpless young girl (I mean, it might mess up the perfectly combed hair and tastefully chosen clothing. No vampire can live with that). Granted, there are a few evil vampires in the story, but given the limitations of the PG-13 rating, they certainly aren’t frightening.